Vampire III
Levitating, He took to the air
and I, with Him, in His arms.
Soon we had arrived at my domicile
we reluctantly parted as I entered.
He bade me, "invite me in." I did so
Retiring to my private bed chamber.
our eyes met in a fathomless depth
His face contorted...smile changing
lips parting, as He drew me in...
White as snow, fangs extruding
biting down hard on my tender neck
I swooned with the shock of it all!
my blood was spilling, overflowing
a dark claret red running rampant
down the front of my spoiled gown.
pounding a terrible rhythm
the blood letting went on and on
until I felt my heart would burst
Than a kiss of fire on my lips
tasting my own blood as His mouth
attached to mine, to weak to protest
I watched as He rolled up a sleeve
Running a talon down his arm to call
blood rushing, rising to the surface
pressing His arm to my open mouth
I drank deeply to stave off the cold
only blood could dismiss this Death upon me!
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Vampire III" presents a vivid narrative with a clear progression of events, which is commendable. The use of capitalization for pronouns referring to the vampire character adds a sense of reverence or fear, which is effective in setting the tone.
However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of punctuation. For instance, some lines end with a period while others do not, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Consistent punctuation would help guide the reader through the narrative more smoothly.
The poem also tends to tell rather than show. For example, the line "I swooned with the shock of it all!" tells the reader how the speaker feels rather than showing it through imagery or metaphor. The poem could be strengthened by replacing such instances with more descriptive language.
Lastly, the poem's rhythm and meter could be improved for a more engaging read. The lines vary significantly in length and syllable count, which can make the poem feel disjointed. A more consistent rhythm would enhance the overall flow and impact of the poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
I would...
love to see this as a novel! Romantic Horror! Very well done, on a level with Stephen King.
Prose at its best. ~ Geez.
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Dear Geez,
Thank you for picking me up and dusting me off after AI got done with me. I am very glad you liked it. good idea of making it to a novel! Now who do we get to write it? lol!
*hugs in bunches, Cat
Hello Cat
Dear Cat, Sorry, This did nothing for me either. For once I'll disagree with Geezer. I have everything Stephen King wrote. I'll say no more on that. Again, like the others it just hints at evil and menace without making the blood run cold. Yes, you use all the right words that one would expect in a vampire tale but you seem to have sacrificed the passion of the tale for the use of these words. To me It lacks subtlety. Others may, and will disagree. Maybe it's because of the huge amount of reading I do. This is one of my favourite genres. Alex
Dear Alex,
I am so sorry to have failed you once again. I fear I have done my very best...and given it my all. maybe I should just stick to what I know and leave the horror to eddy styx. thank you for being honest with me, I always appreciate honesty, and I respect you.
* many hugs to you, Cat
Hello Cat
What did I say? Because I did not enjoy this work, others did. Don't let my opinion put you off this genre. What I would suggest is you make it more rhythmic and lose some of the descriptive pieces, make them more subtle. It is always said less is more, let the reader use their imagination. Hope this is of use to you, never give up on something.If I took too much notice of some of the critics of my performances on stage (and I did appear in some c+++.) I would have given it up and never gone on to have a (fairly) successful career. Alex
Dear Alex,
Thank you for all of your suggestions, your time is appreciated. Last night , I was very tired and ready to give up. This morning, refreshed, I have a better perspective on this subject. I am thinking of undertaking a short story about this Vampire, to see where it leads.
*hugs, Cat
Vampire III
Hello, Cat,
I can sense the vampire has the narrator completely under control - mentally, emotionally. You've captured the imagery of "the act" - this is bloody graphic stuff! It feels very formal in its telling, which adds to the cold, almost stoical nature of both characters. I've noticed the three entries are each set in precise moments in time. All the action takes place within a tight time frame: meeting him, unable to resist his temptation, and then being physically taken by him. So much could happen before, in between, and certainly so much can happen after part III. I agree with Geezer...this would make a fantastic full story. I am intrigued! I hope you continue this series, at least occasionally, and let us know a little more background to each character and what happens next!
Thank you!
Lx
I just cannot bring myself to use a capital "H" when referring to this guy - too creepy! :)
Dear Lavender,
Thank you for the "pep-talk". You have started me to writing a short story about the two characters. I am making an outline. who knows where it will lead...
*many hugs, Cat
I love the story and the way
I love the story and the way you presented it. It made me think Shakespeare often took known stories, but adding intent and motivation of the characters.
I took this on many levels, the power of irresistible love, or not being able to resist a dark power, or being partner to that dark power; after all see felt him in her dream.
What I like is you take a dark story, and it is not even dark , as with inuendo you give the female full character, and I am left wondering about her…
I also like the smoothness with which the poems read. I did find the end of the first stanza in the first poem ended very abruptly., throwing of the rhythm
Dear Tyro,
I am so glad that you read and responded to my poem! thank you for telling me what you like and what you found a little disturbing, both are very helpful to me. I shall have to put some time in to work on my ending.
*hugs, Cat