A Villanelle (final version)

Perhaps "Heaven and Hell" will be a better title.
I don't understand this verse 'his lies contrived to purify God’s stain,"
What do you mean by "God's stain"?
I find this verse contradictory - "while Hell shall offer good men quite enough"
if what you are meaning is that the path to Hell is full of the things that the heart desires, it is still the journey not the hell itself.
As this piece is about paradise and hell, those who don't believe in ny religion might not be able to relate to the theme.

Alid

Alid
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you did well here... you offered a suggestion for a title, and outlined what you didn't understand.... but I think you could've given more input....

For example, did you look up what a villanelle is,? You haven't commented at all on the form.... if you had, you might have been able to tell Wes that there is a problem with the foot count (iambic pentameter) in verse 5, and also a problem with the iambic in the first verse of the last stanza

As for your interpretation.... I read this as saying the path to heaven is too difficult, and perhaps, once there, a position too much to maintain, whereas hell is more suited to mankind's needs , and probably not so bad..... therefore why be good and moral? Religious and non-religious would find something worthwhile to comment about within this I think

Great write Wes
love judy
xxx

I think you did well in most of the part.
However, I thought you needed to say something about the form and the language use. If you have attempted any of these forms, you'd have commented more on the form and how much was sir Wesley successful in choosing his rhymes, the repeated verse, and the lanģuage used.
I like how you pointed out the verses that didn't make much sense to you in order to help the reader on a later level to give suggestions. I think it is never easy, if not impossible to give alternatives if we don't get the author's intent.

Technically, this is a well constructed poem with a lot of good wordplay and flow.
That’s what makes the twisted lines stand out so much. Contrived grammar to fit meter or rhyme detracts from the work and weakens the message.
Choosing a structure for a poem means compromises in language but those compromises need not reduce the quality of the poem. In a structured environment, the poem becomes a 3-D puzzle and you must find the right tone, length, flow, and characteristics of lines and words so that every step is an addition to the puzzle rather than a hacked shortcut.
I’ve taken a stab at the first three stanzas and addressed specific areas. My suggestions are [BRACKETED].

For Paradise is made of brutal stuff.
But fools strive [for the hopelessly mundane] - [I really stumbled on the original line]
while Hell shall offer good men quite enough.

One’s honor is a cold, contentious bluff.
Thence, why inquire [at] Valhalla’s pain, - [this is a flow issue. “of” shares a letter sound with “V” and that combination creates a stumble for me on reading the piece aloud.]
for Paradise is made of brutal stuff.

No one of us, the frail or ersatz tough
can live a life of truth [and] Heaven gain - [this is another letter sound flow issue. The soft ending of “of” and the soft beginning of “heaven” do not compliment each other in my mind.]
while Hell shall offer good men quite enough.

Generally, though, I found the piece very well constructed. That’s why the lines in questions galled me so.

Your decision will be to decide if you feel the flow and pacing can carry the awkward lines.

Here is a great example of A Villanelle.
"Do not go gentle into that good night"
by Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

You will be familiar with this poem so you should have no troubles in seeing if yours conforms to type.
If a problem just Google Villanelle there are many good explanations as to the layout.
our syllable count is near perfect mostly all 10 out of 10, just the odd line:-
Thence, why inquire of Valhalla’s pain" is different but a great write..
Yours Ian

then you forgot to put critique shop in title which lead me to overlook it for days thinking it was just another poem.
OK I looked up this complex form and it appears that you've followed the way it is supposed to be written. This sounds almost as if it belongs in Milton's Paradise Lost. Now Jonathan and others have already done well in initial critique as well as critique of critique. Which Leave me with but 2 suggestions both dealing with stanza 3 "
Line 1 try changing ersatz to feigning (a bit of alliteration)
Line 2.... this seems to imply that heaven has no room for those who tell the truth. If that's what you mean to convey that's fine. If not you might want to rephrase.........stan

You performed an exercise.
I am disappointed.