You smiled at me and melted my defences
Impure thoughts, invaded my brain
Body ached to let you in
But I was a naive miss
When you were in my bed ,
Virgin eyes devoured your
creamy caramel thighs..
Tongue sampled your liquid centre
Together we combine as two into one
Rampant urges within our loins so strong
To fulfill this longing controlling our lust
To have you now, is our obsessional must
Unskilled hands cupped and caressed ,
You played my body and rang out every maiden note.
At once elated and ashamed, virtue’s claret spilt.
Terrified I would be considered a slut.
Youthful fascination, controlled my vigorous frame.
Lust filled urges flowed freely.
I worshipped your body, until mine was spent.
Emotions overthrown, and yet so needy
Together we combine as two into one
Rampant urges within our loins so strong
To fulfill this longing controlling our lust
To have you now, is our obsessional must
Loved and lost many times since then.
But none can touch, the impure hunger
That we both gave so openly.
Held together in first loves flame.
Comments
much love
much love
lou
Thanks
thanks Xena,
the poem is supposed to the girl and boy's pont of view, i realise i need to rewrite it so that it is obvious it's a conversation between the two people.
lou
Xena
No worries lol
Lou
hi
well well lou i see you posted it, your fast becoming the co write queen, steamy stuff read and enjoyed ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs
Zig
Thanks
awesome write lou and dan
the two voices were quite clear to me lou
- at least i mean i could see there were two voices, a couple of times i didn't know who was talking
- but that actually made the poem more effective
as i think it blended the couple's thoughts to imply that male and female both have the same emotions, fears, etc...
some parts i had to read with my hands over my eyes...... (smile)
love
judy
xxxx
Hi
Dan had the idea for the coversation style and he wrote the repeated chorus.
I wrote the rest, sorry if my part was too steamy haha.
Lou xx
Judy
Judy,
apologies for missing this comment first time around.
I am pleased the two voices were clear, it wasn't as easy to do as I first thought.
Book review - I haven't forgotten, I have just been really busy, but it is on my list to be finished next week.
regards,
HS
Lou
firstly, I must say what a fantastic chorus!! Lol!
As you know I read the first draft of this and although it was good...ish...it needed a little something. The conversational aspect has done the trick and it reads wonderfully now.
Good job.
HS
HS
Nice to see a little modesty lol
Thanks
Lou
Well done
Good collaboration, the two voices were separate and clear. The story of loves first intimate moments catch the readers attention. Good job