Candlewitch
Candlewitch
Nov 15, 2023
This poem is part of the workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

(Read More...)

When The Moon Hangs Blue (revised)

Poem Body

When the moon hung blue
in the moody sky,
I attached all my hopes
to your whispered promises.
Softly articulated lies
like rose petals hiding
cruel thorns of veracity.
Blind to the truth,
I heard and saw no more than
what I needed at the time.
You made it so easy
with your inviting smiles
of warm desire fashioned
for only me, the object
of all your pent up passion.
You bade me welcome
to wade into your
warm waters of seduction.
Gladly, I followed where you led.
Willingly, I turned
my heart over to your care.
Never had I known, before,
that raw truth can be ugly,
stark in its unfolding.
Not until I found you
in bed with another she,
as besotted with you
as only one in love can be.
So I leave you to her...
I will not beg, rage
or make ultimatums,
but silently take the
broken pieces of my heart
and, in time, patch them
back into a functioning
organ, once again,
when the moon hangs blue
in a late November sky...

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I am still working on the punctuation. I appreciate all suggestions. Thank you. *Candlewitch/Cat

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses vivid imagery and metaphors to convey a sense of betrayal and heartbreak. The phrase "softly articulated lies like rose petals hiding cruel thorns of veracity" is a particularly strong metaphor that encapsulates the theme of the poem.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The narrative seems to lose its focus in the middle, with the transition from the speaker's initial infatuation to the discovery of betrayal feeling abrupt. A more gradual build-up or foreshadowing could help to make the narrative more cohesive and impactful.

The poem also tends to tell rather than show, particularly in the lines "Never had I known, before, that raw truth can be ugly, stark in its unfolding." Instead of stating this directly, the poem could benefit from using more imagery or metaphor to convey this realization.

Lastly, the poem's language can be somewhat overwrought at times, which can detract from the emotional impact. Simplifying the language and focusing on concrete images could help to make the poem more accessible and emotionally resonant.

In terms of structure, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of line breaks and stanzas to guide the reader through the narrative and emphasize key moments. The repeated phrase "when the moon hangs blue" could also be used more strategically to punctuate the narrative and reinforce the poem's themes.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

I have no idea what "When the Moon Hangs Blue" means,
but I get the feeling that it must be one of those rare occurences
where resistence is futile. It's happening! I love the switch from seduction to
occuring to past tense and acceptance. Told the whole story in one shot,
including the ultimate winning position. ~ Geez. say hi guys...
.

Candlewitch

Thank you for reading and enjoying this piece. But most of all, I thank you for your response. I am sure that you have heard the term "once in a blue moon", this poem loosely uses that premise. I always enjoy your comments on my work and any suggestions you make. much appreciated!

*love, Cat

RoseBlack

I know we have said it before but it is like taking a page right out of my own life. I love the consistent flow with no breaks. This read like a poetic story full of emotion. The rise and fall of a toxic relationship...I would've let her keep him too.

Candlewitch

I know, huh, it seems like we have lived parallel lives! I have had many toxic men in my life, before I met Steve. Yes, they deserved each other!

*hugs, Cat

Lavender

Hi, Cat,
Very sensual, straight-forward language. I'm wondering if "So I leave her to you" might be stated as "So I leave you to her" since he is the one you are actually leaving. I may not be reading your meaning correctly, though. I really like the way the beginning and end wrap around the entire poem.
Thank you,
L

Candlewitch

I like your suggestion. I will fix it in the next day or two. Thank you for always leaving me such thoughtful comments and suggestions on my works. I feel honored that you read my poems.

*hugs, Cat

Leslie

This caused me to feel the way I often do.
Things even when they have soft pastel
beginnings seldom turn out the way we
want them too. By the way a good friend
once told me "men are coyotes".

Ruby Lord

This is so great, I loved the story telling elements of it. Stories in poems always get to me as they continue to reveal themselves.
Like Geezer, I enjoyed the transition from seduction to acceptance, well done. Lavender has also picked up on the one action that tripped me up: "So I leave her to you;" Should this be, "So I leave you to her;"
It was a great poem, loved it. Ruby :) xx