Poem Body
The golden rain
of summers days
which bite the skin
like freezing pain
The circles made
upon the trails
in puddles dance
and then they fade
A rainbow floats
across a lake
a gasp is caught
in frozen throats
then nature mourns
the loss of sun
while birds do drink
and blow their horns
to find a muse
in written words
intoxicates
like drinking booze
Comments
Hey Eddie...
Real nice work! Only critique is; One typo; you left off the [e] on bite and you made each verse sound like a poem all by itself. ~ Gee
Thanks for the visit and
Thanks for the visit and gracious comment.
Eddie C.
Hello,
Hello,
I especially like the sonic pace in this piece in addition of course to all the lovely imagery throughout.
Last stanza L.1 did you mean 'to' find a muse?
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your generous comment.
Yes, that "to"
Eddie C.
cool piece
cool piece
no cynicism detected
no slips of the tongue
easily digested
summer tastes good in your words
(maybe birds "toot" their horns)
regards,
Thanks for the visit and real
Thanks for the visit and real comment.
How's "blow" instead.
Eddie C.
works for me
works for me
Cool!
Cool!
I like this
There is always a but, only a little one this time.
then nature mourns
the loss of sun
while birds do drink
and blow their horns
I get my hackles up when I see do used as in the third line. It looks like filler.
How about something like this;
while birds drink up?
Keith,
I minor complaint, which really has to do with writing prefers.
The do has a double meaning "do and dew", but that was just my secret.
To say, a poets secret when they write
Drink up and drink down to me are not proper, because you can only drink in.
Just my way of looking at it.
Hope my explanation helps.
Glad you liked it and stopped by!
Eddie C.
Understood
but being Brittish that connection is dependent on a rhyme that does not exist in our reading of the poem. We don't pronounce dew as doo but rather as due.
The due you have mention here
The due you have mention here is, "Payment is due on the 1st of the month"
The dew I mention to you here is what lays on Grass and trees, which is the moisture accumulated from cool night air. Which has to do with natures natural affect, Just as birds are part of nature's affect, and are part of a whole.
Thanks,
Yes
But as I said, in Britain we pronounce those two identically.
Also we would not use lays in that way, we would say lies.
Whoever said we have a common language?
The due you have mention here
The due you have mention here is, "Payment is due on the 1st of the month"
The dew I mention to you here is what lays on Grass and trees, which is the moisture accumulated from cool night air. Which has to do with natures natural affect, Just as birds are part of nature's affect, and are part of a whole.
Thanks,