raj
Jul 28, 2020

On a Wintry Night (Attempted Serenade)

Poem Body

Your breath on my heaving chest
our shadows dancing on the walls
to the sound of your sighs,
choreographing a dance.
of seductive poses, gyrations, enhancing
beauty of an intimate experience.

Husky whispers,
passionate tones,
ecstatic throes
echoing calypso rhythms.
Building tempo
to feverish pitch,
leading to climactic finish
arching your back,
fusion of bodies.

A deep moan
bringing down the curtain
on a sensuous performance
with embers smoldering
on a wintry night.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: A first attempt at writing a serenade

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

R

raj

4 years 8 months ago

Thhanks for taking time to visit in midst of your holiday. Jerry has a handle on serenade and aubade. He has also posted a comparative. May be that will help.

be well..

Geezer

your escapade and would say that it is definitely sensuous. I'm not sure that it fits the description of a serenade though. I would prefer that it be more directly speaking to the other person and not such a description of the night's action. There is an indistinct line that just doesn't seem to be met. I undertstand that the lines are directed at the other, just not TO them, if you get my meaning?
~ Geez.
.

R

Thanks for taking time to read and respond with your comment. I would like to know what you meant by "the lines are directed at the other, just not TO them" I ask this because the poem begins with "our" in the first line...

be well..

R

You say "I was looking for a last statement to your lover to bring it to a close"...does the last stanza "a deep moan brings down the curtain...." not provide that?

R

i have tweaked it up by changing the opening line, not with a "moan" because in my opinion a moan is when there is a build up in the act.....do you think that this would now qualify as a serenade?

Will appreciate your feed back on this...

Geezer

your resistance to changing the first word to [Your]. Otherwise, it reads like a list of things that you are talking about. The [You]
brings the person that you are talking about back to the fore. reminding one that you are talking to another person; your lover. I know that later. you say [yours], but it is late. and almost an after-thought. You want the reader to know that the lover is the foremost in your mind. You most certainly qualify for a serenade with this, the changing of a single word does not do that. I was just making the point that if you want your reader to keep it in mind that this is you speaking to your lover, this is a good way to do that. ~ Geez.
.

R

Sorry to disappoint you Geezer...I am an amateur and not a seasoned poet like you and many others......thanks for bearing with what seems to you like a list and not a poem..as mentioned in brackets in the title it is an attempt...i note it is a poor attempt...

.

Geezer

this is a good serenade. You did a fine job and I was just making the point that it would seem better to me. The others thought that it was great and do not let me dissuade you from that. I am certainly not the expert here. I have only written one myself.
So please accept my apologies for making you feel like you failed. You did not! ~ Geez.
.

Gracy

Gracy

4 years 8 months ago

Hi raj, what a lovely serenade, it's so romantic and sensuous. I think the spacing, content and title is fine. I also love calypso songs, starting with Harry Belafonte, to me the best of them all.
As usual, I think your poem needs tweaking a little, but perhaps you wish it to be prosy and that's OK. Below, I pasted and tweaked one strophe. I would do the same with the others, but don't want to pesker you. Enjoyed thoroughly, Gracy

Husky whispers,
passionate tones,
ecstatic throes
echoing calypso rhythms.
Building tempo
to feverish pitch,
leading to climactic finish
arching your back,
fusion of bodies.

Gracy

Gracy

4 years 8 months ago

Hi raj, what a lovely serenade, it's so romantic and sensuous. I think the spacing, content and title is fine. I also love calypso songs, starting with Harry Belafonte, to me the best of them all.
As usual, I think your poem needs tweaking a little, but perhaps you wish it to be prosy and that's OK. Below, I pasted and tweaked one strophe. I would do the same with the others, but don't want to pesker you. Enjoyed thoroughly, Gracy

Husky whispers,
passionate tones,
ecstatic throes
echoing calypso rhythms.
Building tempo
to feverish pitch,
leading to climactic finish
arching your back,
fusion of bodies.

R

Appreciate your time to visit this page and thank you for your encouraging comment. I have made edits in stanza 2 as proposed by you....

Thanks again....