Sitting at the camp fire
after a day of splashing,
swimming and water games.
Evening came in to surround us
with a cooling breeze.
Your fisherman knit sweater
you placed about my shoulders,
staved off a slight chill.
Quietly exchanging daydreams,
I noticed, wood smoke, was
the color of your smiling eyes!
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Wood-smoke" effectively utilizes sensory imagery to create a vivid scene. The use of specific details, such as "a day of splashing, swimming and water games," "fisherman knit sweater," and "wood smoke," helps to immerse the reader in the experience.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter to enhance its musicality. The lines vary significantly in length, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Experimenting with syllable count or stress patterns could improve the poem's rhythm.
The metaphor in the last line, "wood smoke, was the color of your smiling eyes," is intriguing but could be clarified. The connection between wood smoke and the color of someone's eyes is not immediately clear to the reader. Providing more context or explanation could strengthen this metaphor.
The poem could also delve deeper into the emotions of the speaker. While the sensory details are strong, the poem does not reveal much about how the speaker feels about the situation or the other person. Incorporating more emotional language could add depth to the poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Hello dear Cat
A lovely, evocative capture.
I especially liked the transition to the comparison of wood smoke to the color of the eyes which adds a touch of personal connection and tenderness.
I thought, and this is only a suggestion that playing a little with line breaks and punctuation might enhance the flow of the piece, but that is only me.
I have emensly enjoyed reading your poem dear.
Thank you for sharing.