Poem Body
We lay together as gentle waves
Lapped soft, warm sands on balmy days.
Summer sprung, sang her song
Of a girl and I,
Of passions young.
Our fingers touched, then our lips
My hands slipped down and raised her hips.
I bowed my head, felt her sigh
As desire clouded teenage minds.
Trees swayed they sang a song of bliss,
Bees hummed in blossom as we kissed,
Wild honeysuckle filled the air
With fragrance sweet our flesh to wear.
No words were said,
Eyes said it all
A close embrace
As night stars fall.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively communicates a romantic scene without using the word "love," as per the title's constraint. The imagery used throughout the poem paints a vivid picture of the intimate moment shared between the two characters. The choice of words and phrases such as "gentle waves," "soft, warm sands," and "wild honeysuckle" contribute to the overall atmosphere of warmth and sensuality.
However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved:
1. Consistency in punctuation: The punctuation in the poem is inconsistent, with some lines ending in periods and others not. It is recommended to maintain a consistent punctuation style throughout the poem to ensure a smooth reading experience.
2. Line breaks and enjambment: The poem's line breaks could be reevaluated to create a more fluid reading experience. For example, the line "Of a girl and I and passions young" could be broken into two lines, such as:
Of a girl and I,
And passions young.
This would allow for a more natural pause and create a more balanced line length.
3. Strengthening the connection between stanzas: The transition between the second and third stanzas could be made smoother by adding a line or adjusting the existing lines to create a more seamless connection between the two scenes. For example, the line "Trees swayed and sang a song of bliss" could be rewritten to emphasize the continuation of the intimate moment:
As trees swayed, they sang a song of bliss,
This would help to create a more cohesive narrative throughout the poem.
Overall, the poem effectively captures a romantic moment without using the word "love," and with a few adjustments, it could be further refined to create a more polished piece.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
A Girl and I 2
Thank you Al. I have to agree about your comments on the punctuation, but only a one word alteration. I shall revise shortly. Thank you. Alex
wow
that was beautiful. I felt like i was there in the experience. loved the descriptions and detail you gave. I loved it.
A Girl and I 2
Thank you Tiffany, so pleased with your reaction. Alex
Congrats! Your poem was very
Congrats! Your poem was very very good. I really enjoyed it.
Thank You
Thank you Clentin. Alex
Hi Alex
Very sensual . My only suggestion concerns the last line which seems convoluted to maintain rhyme.Perhaps something like as"as night stars fall"?
Thank You
Thank you Scribbler. Alex
a very good example of good use of near rhyme
Which is something I don't do well
Rhyme
Thanks once again Scribbler. I may be a bit old fashioned but I generally like poetry to rhyme. Done well I think it helps the words to flow and with good punctuation (at which I freely admit to being lax). I think the meaning can become clear. I read some lovely offerings here but there are also many that seem to be a jumble of words that are hard to make sense of. Surely if you are trying to get a message across (I'm not, I just try to entertain) it is best to keep things simple. Alex