Poem Body
overwhelmed
by ebbing tides
foam does not salt my feet
and blue-bottles sway
farther out in tepid waters
bodies ethereal, erethismic
lost hounds
mourn under anaemic moon.
Jun 26, 2011
XVIII: The Moon
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Having a try at imagism a style of poetry developed by Ezra Pound. Opinions on the image presented would be greatly appreciated; I would like to make the image stronger without adding in emotional musings. Revisions: made some revisions and took out most of the punctuation. How do people feel about the lack of commas and capital letters?
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Hi Michelle, in this type of
Hi Michelle, in this type of poetry less is more. Remove all superfluous words.
overwhelmed
[remove I am]
by the ebbing of tides.
Foam does not salt my feet
and blue-bottles sway
[remove the and of:
by ebbing tides]
farther out in tepid waters,
bodies ethereal, erethismic
lost hounds
mourn under an anaemic moon.
[remove an:
mourn under anameic moon]
The stars do not shine.
[perfect]
I really really like this poem with or without my changes (though I hope you consider them).
~A
Made the revisions
Thankyou very much:)! I the made revisions you suggested and like the result:)!
Fine Work
Personally I tend to specialize in freeverse so I'm wowed by anyone who can follow the rules set down by former poets. Sorry can't offer more advice except to agree with Kailashana's comments above. Fine work.
Look forward to reading more of your work.
John (If God Lived On Earth People Would Break His Windows)
Thank you so much John:)!
Thank you so much John:)!
I'm glad you like it! With Imagism though I used the concept not the structure. I don;t think I could tackle the strucutre of an imagist poem yet (there only two lines long!).
Thankyou again for you kind comments.
awash
lull me tide
bending
the moon love tender tug
there are gracious halos
around spacious anodes
stars charged and dimmed
burn low
this water shivering
in spirit lights
Damn... I now I feel small :p
Damn... I now I feel small :p.
Thanks for your response it's shown me other ways how I could rewrite this poem.
Thank-you:)!
Oh dear!
i just responded to your beautiful poem
I like the changes
its charming when one finds poets
writing such sharp quips as these
erethismic! what a bloody you beaut word!
It's not often I have to look words up, my vocabulary is prodigious, but this one's a nugget.
And love the poem. Glad you took Anna's excellent suggestions.
Especially love the evocative use of the negative in
foam does not salt my feet
Nothing further to add.
last line the omission of Under
hounds mourn anemic moons
flows better..
I re read this long long after
but Uve always been on my mind
and I never even noted that U
desired to write with no emotional
musing...Under...shifts the scene
the natural default puts the moon
UP in most responses...ask people
moon..they look up and right for
memory..as they THINK moon
ha...Echo and the Bunnymen came
too mind..a rather clever but emotion
based song...
Killing Moon....I love all the covers..
mourn anemic moon
directly just makes people think
moon without location No default
memory triggers about what the
moon emotionally is too people..
anemic moon...a cold clear moon
actually
makes me think of fairy tales
pale norwegian women..
blame it on the color plates as
a kid..the winters after..
snow buffeting windows
everyone sleeping and me wide
awake thinking about why
wolves...when and where..
under the moon...could be
over the moon
hounds mourn over an anemic moon
which would mean it has fallen
its has been slain..spell cast
a gathering...
strange cause they could gather
underneath it too..
hmm...
I still Love your poetry....
the lack of commas and
punctuation does not disrupt
the read...
the inclusion of the hyphen
was cooly interesting
too me..
thank U!