Poem Body
You looked at me
Your eyes not seeing
That which is
On the outside,
But cutting through,
To my inner core
And seeing the
True and real me
Your whisper,
Was not meant
To just my ear,
But traveled
And found its way,
Into my heart
Melting the ice
I built up there.
Your touch,
Though upon my skin
Sent sparks
Through out my body,
And forever etched,
Upon my brain
The sweetness that you
Gave unto me.
Your gentle kiss,
Though upon my lips,
As sweet and soft,
As a gentle breeze,
Found its way,
Into my very soul
And woke it up
To new possibilities.
You meant more
To me,
Than you will ever know,
For the seeds you did sow,
Helped mold me,
Into the person that lives today.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "You Looked At Me" is a deeply emotional piece that explores the profound impact of a relationship on the speaker's identity. It uses sensory language to convey the depth of the speaker's feelings, which adds a layer of intimacy to the narrative.
However, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. While the sensory language is effective, the use of more concrete and unique images could further enhance the emotional resonance of the piece. For instance, instead of saying "Your eyes not seeing / That which is / On the outside," the poem could describe what the eyes do see, thus creating a more vivid image for the reader.
The poem also contains a typographical error in the line "For the seeds you did sow,," which disrupts the flow of the text. Removing the extra comma would improve the poem's readability.
The poem's structure could also be refined. The lines vary greatly in length, which can disrupt the rhythm of the piece. Experimenting with consistent line lengths or a more structured form could enhance the poem's musicality and flow.
Lastly, the poem's theme of transformation through love is a common one. To make the poem more distinctive, consider exploring this theme from a unique angle or incorporating unexpected elements into the narrative.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Your title...
is good, the language use equally so.
The pace moves right along with no stumbles that I can see.
The punctuation at the end of each line does kind of throw one off
because you use a comma and the begin the next line with a capital.
I would rather see it with no ending punctuation if you are going to
capitalize every line. The theme, while I am sure it is heartfelt, is well-worn
and I'm sure that if you were to bring a twist to the ending, would be
more intriguing. Nice work. ~ Geezer.
.
Thank you
Thank you for your comments, I will play around with those ideas
Well done
Good use of language and flow. I like the story behind the words. There always seems to be one we never forget.
Thank you
I had a near brush with death last year, and I have been evaluating my life and relationships. My largest regret was walking away form this girl, but my life was in turmoil and I didn't know what else to do. I loved her with such intensity.
Thank you
Thank you for the comments
Paul
Just a bit of nit picking
I liked the poem - emotion simply told. Just a note about two lines
"gave unto me" - the construction of this line is archaic and doesn't fit the modern construction of the rest of the poem. It is also superfluous. If you delete "unto" then "gave me" flows perfectly well
"for the seeds you did sew" - again the word "did" is sort of biblical. If the line read "for the seeds you sewed" it would flow just as well - the word "sewed" still rhymes with the previous line but the rhyming is more subtle.
Thank you
Thank you for the feedback
Thank you
Thank you, it was actually a typo I didn't catch. Have a wonderful day