William Saint George

Aug 16, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Show And Tell: Intensive Critique Workshop

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Leaders: BlueDemon77and weirdelf

Moderators: weirdelf, beauregard

Description: Each participant will submit one poem they feel needs work, one they are having trouble perfecting, or feel is under-appreciated. One other participant will be assigned to give it a vigorous critique at every level. Some of the areas or topics of the critique would include
- form, rhyme, assonance, consonance, meter, poetic technique (metaphor, alliteration, ect.) and how effective it is to the readers understanding of the work. Ultimately the critic should quantify the poem, including how well it works and how it relates to the content
- content, what the content is, whether it is significant, meaningful, true. What is revealed by exposition and in -subtext. Do you agree with it the writers opinion as you see it? Why?
- style, is the poem well crafted?, is there a strong lexis? Interesting and creative use of language?
- imagery, what imagery is used, what kinds, how effective is it?
-emotional content, what are the feelings evoked? Are they "universal'? Are they genuine or masked by sentiment?
- epiphany, does the poem change you? Have a significant impact on your way of seeing the world? If not does it matter? What does it give you?
- redemption, does the poem offer an insight into the human condition? The betterment of the species? Political understanding? Does it need to?

Subjective impressions are encouraged. You’ll give the poem a thorough working over.

Then other participants will critique the critique itself.

Finally the original poet has a right of reply and can submit a revised version.

Objectives: To hone our skills in critique to enhance our undertanding of poetry and be better able to give fellow poets menaingful feedback to help improve their craft.

Please remember to tick “Show And Tell- Intensive critique” in the workshop box on the poem submission page and include “(Shark Pool Show and Tell)” after the title of your poem.

We’ll open with a discussion of critique.

This will be challenging for both those critiquing and those being critiqued. Complete honesty is the best approach. This is a unique opportunity to have group attention and focused critique to a piece or pieces of your choosing (we can always begin anew if the group is interested in doing so). This workshop can help our critical abilities as well as our ability as poets. Leave the kid gloves at home though, this is Shark Pool. While we will have a policy of 'across the board' respect, the key to the success of the workshop is honesty in the critiques.

Please join us!

Ron and Jess

Level of expertise: Open to all

This workshop is closed.

Hearts And Unicorns (Shark Pool, Show and Tell WS)

Poem Body

Of hearts and unicorns,
and fancy clad ladies.

It's all for a game of "Pick and Play",
Under a canopy of crows and rainbows.

Little bells beat in the storm,
and chime like reversed death-knells

calling you from the grave of living,
to the endless promenade,
hand in hand,
under the scrutiny of friends and family.

Of tear drops and split throats,
or worse, of broken hearts and limbs,

your kisses taste like chloroquine,
they're very hard to swallow.

My head is full of vanities,
I hear the pornographic chorus sing:

Life's like an uncut obscenity,
and Church is where we go to pretend.

Of Iron Hells and cloudy Heavens,
and distant dreams that remain distant.

We're like a march of damned bride and groom,
the blood red curtain falls too soon,
white roses are thrown at our little feet.

We take the stairs to the casket cruise,
and lunch the barge to the simmering West.

The sun will set on our happy days,
the moon will rise, the wind will blow.

Uncaring Time will take no heed,
to when our history finally ends.

But it's alright, dear love of mine,
We did it for the story's worth.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: A poem mixing love/romantic themes with dark and slightly sexual material. Largely based on my current disposition. This poem has been submitted to the Show and Tell WS. I didn't put much thought into its writing. It's all feelings here.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Ghana, GHA

Favorite Poets: William Shakespeare, Lord Byron, John Keats, Percy Shelley, Oscar Wilde, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Henry Longfellow, William Yates, Ezra Pound, Sylvia Plath

Comments

Error

Comment withdrawn as this is part of ongoing workshop, Yours Ian.T

Ian

This is an Intensive Critique Shark Pool workshop. Each person is assigned a poem to critique, then we critique the critique.

Ian this is why we ask you to read the syllabus before commenting in workshops. Would you like to join the workshop? We still have places.

Thanks for the kind thoughts

Thanks for the kind thoughts Ian. I'll work it through. :)

beautiful William

i read boh versions and loved it. the tile is what drew me. i just had to read it. there is a lot of mixed felling here, the language is mild and mellow giving voice to deep emotions.

Thanks for the comment, and

Thanks for the comment, and sorry I noticed it after so long.

Reading it now, this poem has more imagery and stronger emotional content than I realised.

A reminder, people,

This is an Intensive Critique Shark Pool workshop. Each person is assigned a poem to critique, then we critique the critique. So please wait your bloody turn!

Ian and Barbara, this is why we ask you to read the syllabus before commenting in workshops. Would either of you like to join the workshop? We still have places.

Jess

This is an old poem, already published here. The comments were there before the workshop. :)

William

I dug this one out of the Undiscovered works some one put Un Published ones on from last year, but it is a good one for the Workshop and I think Barbara just carried on from my comment, not to worry it will be sorted, Yours Ian.T

oops, my bad,

apologies to Barbara and Ian.

Now just waiting Beau's critique

then we will critique her critique

if beau can't then I nominate wesley snow

will you do it Wesley?

I'm on it.

Give me a minute.

First of all...

... I'm of course a little out of my comfort zone with the form of the poem, but I never let a lack of wisdom or understanding stop me from voicing an opinion before...

The piece is considerably different from the WSG I've been reading lately, so it took a moment to settle into the language... and language I think is key here.
An attempt at imagery, the imagery is not always clear. There is only the slightest connection from the beginning of the poem to the end that is easily acheived.
Don't misunderstand me- I applaud the subtle poem, the complex work that requires a focused thought throughout the read, but in the end the most complex and sophisticated poetry still must be understood and... related to (for lack of a better term) if it is to have impact.
As William said, it is not a work of "organization", but emotional intensity.
I agree... which means what I said about "language" is paramount. As it is chiefly a study in some emotional bloodletting, it is the edgy, sometimes harsh language that carries the poem.
But again this returns one to- clarity. Clarity of language, of imagery, of content, of direction or it is nothing else but rich language.
Write something magnificently enough and content becomes meaningless.
I think that would be very hard.

Wesley has some key points to

Wesley has some key points to offer with regards to the language and imagery. However, I feel like Wesley could have been more direct in some of his points and could have offered examples of where the imagery fell short.

I like what Wesley

pointed out about the elegancy of the language but I think he should have been more implicit in stating that we should not sacrifice the theme of the poem for the beauty of the language. I always thought that William and Wesley are very close in their writings and therefore it is hard for each of them to find that the other is not clear enough.

Hi

Wesley has done well in pointing out the imagery and word use being very good and also in pointing out that the poem reads more as a collection of snippets than a single cohesive poem. BUT......where are the examples of specific ways to overcome this? Now I Don't mean a total rewrite, rather a few samples of how some of the snippets could be changed to give the reader a better idea of the overall content the writer is trying to convey.

Far too easy to say "you failed in doing this or that". A bit harder to supply the writer with ideas or samples of alternates..................stan PS I keep biting everybody else's ass, I am probably setting myself up to be totally consumed by sharks comes my turn lol

Sorry I'm late again.

I agree that I gave no examples of where the poem "could" have gone. William WOULD pick this moment to write something completely off his beaten track. Form is easy to critique. Content less so. Free verse is hard for me, so I addressed the language without truly knowing where to take it that would have been clearer.
In my defense, I enjoy "language" so much that a poet occasionally (Esker comes to mind) writes something so lovely that I enjoy the work without knowing what it means.
Tragic? Maybe just a little. William has such a gift with wordsmithy that he could probably discuss a field turning to mud in the rain and it would enthrall me.

This workshop is now ended.

Please give me feedback, either on the workshop thread
http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/show-and-tell-intensive-critique-worksh…
or by PM, as to how you benefited from the workshop, criticisms and ways future workshops could be improved,